Lately I've been feeling overwhelmed and tired. No time to do the things that I want to do. My patience is short and my energy is even shorter. I attribute much of this to the crazy hormones that are rushing through my body and to this precious little one growing inside of me that is sucking every bit of energy out of me--it's not easy making a person! I must be honest, however, and admit that it is not my current state of pregnancy alone that is causing me to feel so run down. The truth: I wish that I did not have to work; that I could stay home all day everyday playing with Max and making this house a home. That I could focus 100% on my family--on being the best mother, wife, ME that I can be. The reality: I MUST work (at least for now:-). I have a lot to do over the next 7 months. This list includes: building my consultant business so that I can stay at home the majority of the time with my children (I must say that I thank God everyday for the people that He has put into my life to help make this dream a reality); completing all of the projects that I have started (and not completed); moving Max's room upstairs; decorating a nursery; painting, painting, painting; installing a carpet runner on the steps (I'm leaving this up to the pros); organizing and cleaning out; the list goes on and on... Some of these items are clearly important to be completed before the birth of this baby and others may seem silly to some. Either way, the fact that there has been little progress over the past few weeks makes me feel out of control. I was so intent on things being "perfect" when this baby arrives that before I even knew for sure that I was pregnant I spent several house with 10 months worth of calendars scheduling every waking moment--if nothing got me off track, I would complete all of my tasks just in time...so here I am weeks later and already far behind on my "to do's". Here is the curse that is the story of my life--set expectations that are unrealistic, spend too much time planning how these unrealistic expectations will be met, setting myself up for failure by scheduling too much to do in too little time; doing nothing (or very little) because I am too overwhelmed. The result: a feeling of failure and very little actually accomplished. So why do I keep doing this to myself? Not sure...I think that I want for things to be organized and settled when this baby is born because with Max they were not. We brought Max home to a very tiny apartment stacked to the ceilings with boxes, moved when he was 7 weeks old and still haven't caught up. Max changed my life in ways that I cannot explain. I now realize that when he was born I didn't really know who I was. I was 26 years old when he was born and I am now 30. It is amazing how much things can change in 4 short years. I often feel sorry for him because I had to learn on him. Learn what is really important in life. Learn that I am often way too selfish. Learn that what I do and the decisions that I make have a lasting impact on my children. The number one thing that I've learned: I want to be the type of mother to my children that my Grandmother was to me. Along with this lesson, I have also learned that I am simply not her. I am me. Now I know who I am and what is important. I know that I am a caring, creative, devoted person. I like to believe that the best parts of me reflect some of who she was--funny, quirky, loving, selfless. I am often disappointed that I don't live up to those expectations. I remember her spending hours studying with me in the afternoon, yet I sometimes find myself finding excuses as to why I don't have enough time to read a book to Max. Needless to say I have a lot of learning and growing left to do. It's like I feel like I need for everything in my house, my work and my finances to be perfectly in order so that I can focus completely on my children. I have come to realize that this perfection that I strive for does not exist. I need balance in my life and I have come to realize that the only way to obtain this balance is to prioritize and simplify. I'm not sure what exactly this means or looks like, but I am making it my mission to figure it out. My priority is, of course, my family--being able to be as involved as possible with Max's school and be able to stay home as much as possible with the new baby. I am not exactly sure what it means to simplify as I have always been one to make things harder than they need to be, but what I want is to be able to accomplish those tasks that will have the most positive impact on my family while avoiding "to do" lists that make me feel like I am being buried alive. I still I have a lot that I want (an need) to accomplish before the arrival of our second child, but I need to enjoy the process and realize that things will never be perfect. I will devote myself to completing those tasks that will enrich my life and the lives of my family. I need to simplify.
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